As the tears sit in the corner of my eyes, I try desperately to get out all I want to say before they spill over and stain my heart. The other day I told someone new in my life your story, your short life. it made me realize something. Something that I’ve always known or at least has been in the back of my mind recently.
You would’ve turned 8 this year.
Eight years old.
I think part of me is in shock. Shock that I would of had an 8 year old if you had lived. Shock that I have lived 8 years without you. Shock that I have no new memories to share. Shock that my arms have been empty for this long. Shock that the pain has changed over the years.
There are so many times my heart feels heavy, literally hurts over the sorrow of you.
There are so many times my heart is in pain, literally in pain over the loss of you.
The other day a Facebook memory popped up. A memory about you. A memory from when I was pregnant. The memory of when we found out you were a boy, our son. Even reading that memory now, I could hear our joy and love as we anxiously awaited your arrival.
Thinking about me telling someone new your story the other day made me realize I have no idea the last time I got a chance to talk about you. It’s not that I don’t want to talk about you, it is just everyone in my life already knows about you. Most of them already know every story, every memory I have because I don’t have many. Just 12 days.
As I write this and the tears continue to threaten to fall, to continue there path of sorrow all the way to my heart, I dread thinking about the fact that it has been 8 years. Eight years since we got pregnant. Eight years since we found out you were a boy. Eight years since I enjoyed every moment of being pregnant with you.
It is hard to believe that I’m coming up on 8 years without you in my life. Without you smiling. Without you laughing. Without you learning. Without those big blue eyes. Without you loving me the way I love you. Without you growing up. Without you being a typical boy. Without you getting irritated with me. Without me getting irritated with you. Without you growing into your own self.
My heart holds 3 boys. 3 precious boys. My 3 precious boys.
The world sees 2. Only 2.
I want everyone to see you. I want everyone to know you. I want everyone to miss you.
I know I can not stop time, as much as I would like.
I know life will continue. My grief will continue. My sorrow will continue.
I know eight years will turn into ten years which will turn into fifteen years which will turn into twenty years. There is no stopping it.
I know you will always be in my heart and on my mind. I can not guarantee there will be others who think about you, remember you. But I can guarantee you will always be my son, I will always love you, I will always miss you.
The tears have finally fallen. I will try to write through there blur.
I wish there were other opportunities I could share you with others and I do what I can but baby your mommy is not one of those popular kids. I’ve been known to be a bit of a loner. It is part of who I am. But I am willing to share you and your story with whomever will listen, whomever will ask. Because all I have are your stories, your memories. Those are my treasures.
There are days I wish I could turn back time and even if I could not save you, which I would desperately try. At least have more time to spend with you, hold you, touch you, cover you in love.
Baby the day you died in my arms, a little piece of me died as well and I accept that because you were my baby, my son, my Drake – it is the price I paid for loving you and continuing to love you but there are so many regrets that live in my soul that rear their ugly heads on occasion. So many things I wish I could of changed.
The worst regret … knowing this did not have to happen to you … knowing your death could have been prevented … knowing you did not have to suffer but you did. I’ll never know how much or how bad.
As I wipe one tear away, 5 more fall in its place. In a bit, I know they will subside until another day arrives that had my heart all tore up.
I will love you forever.
I will miss you forever.
I will grieve for you forever.
I will think about you forever.
As we get closer and closer to you 8th birthday, I know I will feel the pain. So as each year continues on, each year as my arms remain empty … I will hold you in my heart. Now. Forever. Always.
Sweet baby boy, as my tears continue, I am left with just one thing …
I loved you eight years ago,
I loved you yesterday,
I love you today,
I love you forever. Always.
Love, Your Mommy