First, I had promised myself that I would write a blog a week, well last week I lied. I was pretty sick so I chose not to write one. 😦
Now onto this weeks blog.
There are many ways that each of us can feel complete. We can feel complete about several different things in our life. Some times it is about one thing, some times it is about several times.
I am going to share one of the times I felt complete. But there is a little backstory to go with it first.
When my hubby and I were dating we had the conversations like may others have. Is this long term? Do we see ourselves getting married? Do we want kids? How many kids? We answered these questions; we were in this for the long run, we did want to get married, we did want kids, we wanted 2.
So fast forward to years later, marriage and then we decided to start having kids. Then the unthinkable happened, our first born son passed away at 12 days old. What do you do when you wanted to have 2 kids and then you have one pass away.
After we had our second son Aden, we originally made the decision to not have any more kids for two reasons. We had decided a long time ago to have just 2 kids, Aden made number 2 and Joel decided to start taking classes to get his Master’s degree.
Joel graduated and Aden was getting older, Joel and I felt something was missing. We sat back down and decided that we would try to have another baby. We gave ourselves a time frame, that if we were not pregnant by a certain time, we would be satisfied with where our life was. Because when you have the conversation of how many kids you want, you by no means think that what happened to us will happen to you. When you want kids, you think about watching them grow up.
We wanted 2 kids here with us. So we made the decision to have another baby, to make our family complete. Our decision to have 2 kids changed to having 3 kids and that is ok, because we can make any decision that we want that works for us.
In the very beginning of my pregnancy, as in I knew but had not gone to the doctor for confirmation yet, I actually wondered if this was the right thing. I think most of it came from knowing that Aden was getting older, he was 4 when we got pregnant and to start all over again, when we could travel so much easier with a older child. I was older. Maybe part of me was scared to be starting all over again. My hormones were starting to change, so rational and irrational thoughts were a plenty.
When I started to feel Gavin move, I started to feel that this was the right decision for us. But the real moment came after he was born and placed in my arms.
I looked at his beautiful face, I cuddled him close to my chest. I had never felt this way before. I felt
I had always felt like part of me was missing, and it was. Drake. Drake will always be missing. But to hold Gavin and the feeling that came over me, my heart was full. I was
Now don’t get me wrong, I will always have a piece of me missing but to feel complete at the same time. It is a wonderful feeling.
It is hard to explain, but my heart finally feels full. Full of love for my boys. I feel like 3 is the right number for me. I can’t say if that would have been the right number if Drake had lived but no matter how much I wonder what would have been or could have been, I can only in the end deal with now. The right decision for now. The right decision for me.
I love saying I am a mother to 3 boys. 3 boys.
People still ask me:
- Are you going to try for a girl?
- No. We are done.
I love my boys. I would not trade that fact that I had 3 for anything. I am outnumbered. I am a boymom.