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Life By The Dreams

Props

Mad props.
I mean mad props to stay at home parents and single parents. This coming weekend I will get my second taste of what you guys deal with on a daily basis.
My first attempt, I remember leaving me quite exhausted.
My kids are fairly good but it is still hard to take care of them both by myself. I don’t know how you do it.
So mad props to you guys. (Me clapping.)
The hubby left today and will not be back until Saturday. With Aden in school, we are unable to pick up and go as frequently as before. We do not want him to miss any days unless necessary.
There are plenty of days I wish I could stay home with Gavin and be able to do more with Aden and his class, stuff around the house, projects I have, etc.; but since I work and I need to work in order to help pay those pesky bills, I can’t stay home and I can’t do everything with Aden’s class – although I do try to do as much as I can.
Yes, yes I want to be one of those moms.
Anyways back to me giving mad props to SAHPs and single parents.
These 2 weekends I am only getting a small taste of what you guys do daily.
It is definitely hard taking care of both the boys by myself and I can only do as best I can. Now that Gavin is more mobile – he is all over the place. Mr. Independent.
I love my boys with all my heart.
So this weekend I will be doing my best to keep them alive. Just kidding. I am an old pro at that. But entertained. That is a matter into its self.
I need to see if there is anything going on that I can take them to. Try and entertain them for a few hours if possible. If not I need to think of ideas around the house. Time to put on my thinking cap.

Now to help keep my sanity, I am currently baking. Baking what you ask.

Yep, some yummy brownies. Don’t tell my hubby cause there is no guarantee that there will be any left by the time he gets back home. Haha.

I know this is a short post because in the end there is not much I can say since I am not a stay at home mom, just wanted to give a quick hand to those who do.
Now I am going to go enjoy a brownie or two or the whole pan.

Thank you,
Marisa

PS – Recently I had 2 articles get published.
http://stillstandingmag.com/2017/11/fear-of-forgetting/
http://stillstandingmag.com/2017/11/am-i-dead-inside/

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Done

Recently I was asked:

– Are you going to have anymore kids?

– Are you pregnant?

I was asked by the same person (thanks mom 🙂 love you) – one question right after the other. The answer to both is a resounding NO.

I get it after we had Drake and Aden, we confused her so she’s unsure if we are really done this time or surprise you might be a grandmother again.

But this time it is the truth.

How did we confuse her you ask?

I will explain that and why we are now officially done adding to our family of 5.

CONFUSION

Joel and I from the beginning of our relationship knew that we only wanted 2 kids – the typical boy and girl. But when Drake passed away we were devastated to say the least but we were left in a bit of uncertainty.

You see when a couple makes a decision on how many kids they want – they never ever think about what happened to us occurring. We never did so when Drake died, we were left in confusion. We wanted 2 kids. We had one, so would the next be our last. We knew there would be no answers at that moment.

But here we were – we had a child but we didn’t have a child.

Then Aden came along. Technically he was our second but the only one here. So do you start to see the confusion that was playing in our minds. 2 not 2. 1 not 1.

After Aden was here for a couple of years, Joel and I sat down to discuss

– Did we want more kids?

Answer was still confusing. At that point in our lives, it was decided that we were not going to have any more kids – we thought we were done. But you see there was a reason that we made that decision at that point. Joel was in the middle of getting his masters degree through online classes and quite often on the weekend I would have to keep Aden out of the house for several hours in order for Joel to do school work. That would have been very hard to do with 2 kids in tow.

At that time no future kids was the right decision but we had also discussed that we would not do anything permanent to not have kids at the time just in case we changed our minds later. Hey we are adults, we are allowed to change our minds if we so desired.

As Aden got older and I got older, I realized that I did want to have another baby. I wanted 2 to hold. 2 in my arms, 1 in my heart. Talk about trying to get up the courage to talk to your hubby about that. It took me a few days – maybe a week or so. I had no idea where he was. After the original discussion the baby topic had not been brought up again.

So we talked (we talk about almost everything – it is who we are as a couple), we both wanted another baby. 2 here. 2 with us. So we went from having 2 kids to having 3 even though the world only sees 2.

Once it was decided that we would try for another baby, we did give ourselves a deadline as to when to be pregnant by because we were not getting any younger. As it was with the other 2, it did not take us long to get pregnant with child. Gavin. Our little man.

DONE

I know we are done having kids for a few reasons:

– We are not getting any younger – we are both 36.

– We always wanted 2. 2 here with us. We now have 2 with us.

– Physically I am unsure how my body would do with a 4th pregnancy – you see I’ve had issues with each of my pregnancies.

Would I love to have more kids? Yes. I love being pregnant. I love babies/ kids. I love my boys. But we are at a good point in our lives. Content.

With our 3 boys our lives are full and we plan to enjoy every moment of it. (We know the delicate balance of life.)

While we may have changed our minds in the past.

While we may have confused people. (Sorry mom.)

While we love our boys.

While I would love more.

We are done. No more kids for us. Because these 2 keep me on my toes. They exhaust me. In a good way, but still exhausted. I am happy in my life. I will always wish for the one missing but I have realized over the years that wishes don’t always come true and there is no turning back time.

So until next time,

Thank you

Marisa

 

 

Halloween

Yesterday was Halloween. It was a gorgeous evening here in the south. Perfect trick or treating weather. Cool but not cold. The kids were able to wear their costumes without having to have jackets over them to keep warm.

My Optimus Prime and Yoda my.

Every year since Aden was old enough to take trick or treating, I always go to my parents house and my dad and I would take Aden around their neighborhood. There are a lot of houses that participate. More then where we live. We kept the tradition going once Gavin arrived, although this is his first year to participate. Last year he just rode around in a wagon.

My dad always goes with me as I took Aden and now both the boys and my mom stays home to hand out candy.

I think my dad spoiled us this year. His knees are getting bad (as in he needs to have them both replaced) so we rode around on his Bulldog. I don’t know if I will be able to walk the kids trick or treating again.

Gavin is getting bigger and HEAVIER. So this was definitely the way to go.

Their neighborhood always gets hit up with a lot of kids, some kids that live there and others who don’t. It was fun getting to see some of the costumes as we drove around.

I asked my dad “Where are we going to go when you guys move?”

His response, “You can still come here, you guys still know a lot of the neighbors.”

Guess we will have to see once they move, maybe we will be in a different house by then and that neighborhood will have a lot of houses that participate.

I would have to say that my kids came away with a good haul.

Green bucket is Aden’s stash. Orange bucket is Gavin’s (aka Joel’s and mine) stash.

If Aden does like he did last year, he will share his candy with us. Gavin is a little to little to be eating all that, he can partake in some but most of it will be eaten my Joel and I. Don’t look at me like that, all parents dip in to their kids candy.

I am glad that my kids had a good time, it took a few times for Gavin to realize what was going on. He never held out his bucket, I helped with that. But it did not take him long to start reaching out for candy, quite a few people thought it was cute and funny. So they would put the bowl down so that he could grab some candy.

By the time we arrived back to my parents house, Joel had been there for a little bit. He was just hanging out with my mom and helping her hand out candy. We left a few minutes after getting back because it was late and pass the boys bed times.

When we arrived home, I took care of getting Gavin ready for bed and Joel took care of Aden. I dressed Gavin and made his bottle. He drank every drop and literally passed out.

Tonight while I was making dinner, Aden and I went through his candy to make sure nothing was open but also to take all the candy with nuts in it out. Aden is allergic to nuts, his is a consumption allergy. We let him trade the candy with nuts for candy without nuts from Gavin’s stash.

I hope that everyone had a great Halloween.

Now on to Christmas….. I mean Thanksgiving. Feels like Christmas with all the stores already having Christmas stuff out.

So until next week,

Thanks.

Marisa

Exhausted

Exhausted: (definition) – to drain of strength or energy, wear out or fatigue greatly

Yep that about sums up the last week of our lives.

I am unsure how I am even functioning most days right now. Just keep your fingers crossed that we are on the way to getting better sleep at night. It seems like that is the direction we are moving in and I will be so happy. I need sleep. I want sleep.

Have I confused you enough by now.

Why would I be exhausted?

Here is the reason: teething sucks.

Little Man aka Gavin already has 6 teeth but around last Thursday he started getting a fever and being fussy – a little more whiny, not as interested in food, waking up at least 3 times after he has been put down for the night.

You might be thinking – hey he is still a baby (only 15 months old) – babies get teeth. Babies don’t sleep well at night.

Here is why we are exhausted:

  • Whiny – ok, I get it. New teeth = pain. No one wants to be in pain and certainly no one wants their little one to be in pain. So I understand whiny – it meant more cuddles which I am totally fine with. Love it in fact since he is rarely still anymore since learning to walk.
  • Food – if you know this kid, you know that food is his favorite thing. What kind of food you might ask, well – we have yet to find anything that he does not like. Seriously, everything we place in front of him he will eat. There may be moments he may not want it at that time or it needs to be on a fork in order for him to eat it. (I know he can be strange at times. :)) We want to make sure he is getting enough to eat but it gets hard when you are offering lots and he picks one or two items that you wish were of more and better substance. At the moment as long as he is eating I guess anything is fine.
  • Sleeping – Here is the exhausting part. Let me tell you we have gotten off great with our boys and their sleep habits. They both started sleeping through the night at young ages (around 2 months old). Neither of them have gone through times they woke up for no reasons – usually it is just teething issues because of the pain (we do give medicine to try and relieve the pain). But when we are use to sleeping through the night, having a few nights in a row of getting up multiple times in the night to go comfort him it wears you down. I don’t regret my extra cuddle time with my little man who is growing way to fast. I just have been tired the last few days because of losing some sleep.

He started to get better last night. Only woke up twice.

Today there has been less drool and he has been less whiny – still picky with food but we have no idea how many teeth he might have coming in. I hope it is not as bad as it was last time. Did I tell you about the last time he got teeth. I did not. I am shocked I did not share.

He had one tooth for the longest time – months and months. No sign of any other teeth. I asked his doctor at his 12 month apt because I was concerned. I was told they don’t start to worry until 18 months. Ok, I can go with that.

Then there was a time he got whiny, fussy with food, bad nights of sleep – they only lasted a few days. They I started noticing the little bumps in his gums to indicate new teeth. He had 5 come in at one. Yes, you read that right 5. I was shocked.

So only time will tell how many this go around. I will try to keep you posted but no promises because well things happen and I forget. A lot. 🙂

So lets keep our fingers crossed that he is feeling better and that he can get some better sleep from here on out which means we can get some better sleep.

So don’t get me wrong, I understand his needs and I am there but it does not mean I am not tired or exhausted. It happens to us all at one point or another.

I love you guys, but I am off to bed to get some zzzzzzzs.

Thank you,

Marisa

PS – Next week is Halloween, looking forward to seeing all the costumes.

Life

I have experienced death over the years – I mean I am 36 so of course I have.

Aunts.

Uncles.

Cousins.

Friends.

Grandparents.

My son.

My side of the family as well as my husband’s side.

Most deaths we feel are natural as someone may have been sick for a while, someone may be getting up there in age.

But sometimes life throws you those curveballs that hit you in your stomach because you were not prepared. Totally taken by surprise.

Well we have been thrown that curveball – this past Friday we had a very dear person pass on my husbands side of the family.

His father.

My father-in-law.

I am not going to go into details as to what occurred or other details of his life and the relationship. As this blog is mine, I feel the need to talk to my husband and possibly my Mother-in-law to get a feeling if it would be ok to write about him sometime in the near future.

But I can tell you that since his passing, actually any passing close to me – it makes me think.

Think about life.

No one knows what will happen tomorrow.

No one knows when our time will be up.

This makes me want to make sure that I live a fulfilled life. I am a realist so I know some of my dreams aka items on my bucket list will remain on there as some items may be a little more expensive then what we can afford, some may be out of our reach.

I want to make sure that I have fun as a family.

I want to make sure that I make some of my dreams come true.

I want to make sure that I make memories that not only I can look back on but those around me can look back on when I am gone.

Life is not guaranteed – so make the most out of it.

A number of years ago, I came across a quote regarding death that has stuck with me and I use it quite frequently when I know someone has endured a loss and I want to share it with you.

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,

Love leaves a memory no one can steal.

This actually came off a Irish tombstone.

My husband also has a quote that he likes – it is:

How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.

Thank you

Marisa

 

Pause

I apologize but there will not be a post this week due to a family emergency and I just got back in town.

Thank you.

Marisa

PS – But I did have an article get published last week.

Here is the link –

stillstandingmag.com/2017/10/i-thought-about-hurting-myself/

Adorable

Boys.

I have boys.

Lots of boys in my life.

Love them with all my heart.

But sometimes they can be a pain – I think that is every child’s right. I am sure I had moments I was a pain – maybe not as many as my brother. 🙂

My boys have there moments they are just so adorable so I am going to write some down so when they have the pain in my backside moments. I can look back at all the adorable times. Put a smile on my face.

Since my boys are young – I am sure this may turn into a series of adorable posts over the years.

Today I will share one for each. Some days it may be multiple adorable moments being shared – some days one moment for just one of the boys.

 

Aden

Photo credit – Photographic Memories by Angie Thompson

Over the weekend, I left to go to the store leaving Aden at home with Joel. As I was leaving we said our goodbyes and smooches.

As I was sitting in the car before pulling out of the driveway, I got a message through Facebook from my husband. It read:

You walked out the door:

Aden: I sure do love her.

Husband: Do you?

Aden: Yup. Very, very much.

Awww. Talk about just melting your heart.

 

Gavin

Photo Credit: Photographic Memories by Angie Thompson

Even the evening around 7:30-8, he will take his last bottle of the evening before bed. One night in the past month or so, we gave him his last bottle but he still seemed hungry so we were giving him some fruit. After he was done eating, I looked at him and said

Time to go night night.

He then walked himself out of the living room, down the hall, into his room and stood by this crib until I got there to put him in bed. 🙂

Every since then, he does this every night.

Don’t get me wrong, he gets distracted sometimes, but you just remind him and he continues on his way.

It is so cute watching him walk to bed.

 

Thanks

Marisa

 

PS – I had a article get published yesterday and I have another one set to be published this coming Friday – so I will share that one with you net week.

Here is the link for yesterday’s piece.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2017/10/word-death-variation/

Six

Why does it feel as if we blink and time has sped up?

I remember being told during my pregnancies to enjoy every moment with your child and to not blink or they will be grown before your eyes.

Aden and Gavin appear to be doing that exact thing.

Aden just turned 6 this past weekend.

Six.

6.

Where is the time floating off to?

It feels like yesterday that he decided to come 3 weeks early. In a big rush to get here and in my arms.

It feels like yesterday that he was learning to roll over, smile, laugh, crawl, stand, walk, talk, etc.

Now he is in Kindergarten learning all kinds of new things and I’m learning this boy is smart. As parents we strive to make sure our children do well in school. I think he is going to do quite well.

Last year, we were informed how smart and ahead of the class he was when we went for the teacher/ parent conferences with his PreK teacher.

We have not had that conference yet this year – hopefully early next month but we’ve already been informed how smart he is by his current teacher.

They are learning sight words – the class is on the 5th set so 50 sight words (10 per set) and Aden is up to 90 sight words. I also make it interesting for him by mixing the words up every day so they are not in same order. This way I know he knows the word not the order.

 

So my Aden turned 6 this past weekend, trying to slow my blinking so the rest does not travel as quickly.

He wanted a Transformers themed party so I made the invites.

Instead of a traditional cake or cupcakes this year, he wanted a cookie cake so we had a local bakery make it with the invite design on it.

Autobots.

He asked us to get a special vanilla cupcake with yellow icing (like Bumblebee) for one of his friends.

Aden has nut allergies and he is very aware of them – luckily it is just ingestion so far but each reaction could be different.

He is very aware of his friend and her allergy. He was unsure if she could partake in the cookie cake and he knows she can have cupcakes – so he wanted us to get her one.

How can you say no to that? You don’t – you get the cupcake.

You might be wondering what other things we did for the BIG 6 – we did do a piñata (first one) = BIG HIT.

As for pictures of the party = #momfail. The cake and cupcake are all I got. But in the end he had a great time and that is what matters.

Aden and his legos

So as I decide whether or not to stick toothpicks in my eyelids to keep them open in order to not blink – I am going to leave you guys here, go check on my sleeping 6 year old little boy (he will always be my little boy), give him a kiss and head off to dream world where I hope to invent the time-slow-down machine.

 

Love and hug those kids because it is true about blinking and you’ll miss it.

Thanks,

Marisa

Anger

(A couple of weeks ago I wrote about how I felt I have failed Drake. I also want you to know that I am angry. Angry towards one person who should have been there for us but failed us as well.)

Some days I can’t help the anger that seeps into my thoughts and out of my pores. I’m never sure where the anger will lead me or who I will be angry with. But I have a thought today that brings up some anger. Not the type of anger that I had in the beginning – the seething anger – over the years my anger has just turned into thoughts I have – thoughts I wish I could change – thoughts I wish I did not have to think but I do because they are there and I grieve.

Maybe I’m being emotional.

Maybe I’m being unreasonable.

Honestly does anger have reason? Does anger deal in reason? I feel I have ever right to be angry no matter how it shows up.

My son.

My first born.

My Drake was stolen from me.

My little man would have been 7 this year.

Seven.

7.

He would have started first grade this year.

How is this possible? How is it that all of this happened 7 years ago? Some days it feels like yesterday.

Losing your child makes you question a lot.

  • You question love.
  • You question death.
  • You question your self worth.
  • You question life.
  • You question your ability to care for someone else.
  • You question what you did.
  • You question what someone else may have done.
  • You question.

There are plenty of days (plenty) that I blame myself and I will live with this until I take my last breath. It is part of the fear that I’m the one that caused his death. (I could go into all the ways I failed him but already did that in my Failure post.)

Then there are the other days I blame someone who should have been there for us. Someone who was suppose to know what was going on. Someone who should have known what to do.

That person is the on-call doctor, the doctor who was scheduled to do my C-section in 2 days later. The doctor who did not return all of our phone calls that morning. The doctor who told us to wait an hour when I was in active labor and knew I was scheduled for a C-section in 2 days due to him being breech. The doctor who I guess did not want to be bothered in the wee hours of the morning. The doctor who failed me. The doctor who failed Drake.

(I am choosing to not say her name – I am making sure that she can take no action against me – it is sad that I have to think like that – but I do.)

Back in 2012, when I was having some huge (and I mean huge) anger issues – I couldn’t concentrate, I shook from all the anger – I was a mess. I took the time to write the on-call doctor a letter. I wanted to let her know how I felt and what I was having to endure all the time because my son died. My son was gone. When I started the letter I had no idea what all I was going to say but I knew I had things I needed to get out. I had things she, the doctor, needed to know.

You may be wondering if I ever mailed that letter – I did. I mailed that 5 page letter to the doctor. Know what response I got:

NOTHING.

NADA.

ZIP.

Do you know we never got anything from that doctor or group of doctors when Drake died. No flowers at his memorial service. No card saying “We are sorry for your loss.” or “We are thinking about you.”

So yes when my angry days approach, I’m never sure if it will be myself I’m angry with or the doctor – but right now it is the doctor. Tomorrow is might be me. Tomorrow it might be another emotion. But next time, who knows where the anger will take me.

You might be wondering where all of this is coming from at this moment. Well September is a hard month for us.

Drake was born September 7.

Drake died September 19.

Aden was born September 23 (the following year).

So the first half of September is heavy on us, our hearts hurt – our hearts are heavier. But I also have to make sure that Aden enjoys his birthday – so many emotions/ thoughts in such a short amount of time.

Thank you,

Marisa

PS – I had a article get published on the 14th – it went over very well with the public – I am glad but also sad that it resonated with so many.

Here is the link you want to see it:

http://stillstandingmag.com/2017/09/leaving-him/

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